(Each section of this website is a chapter. Reading only one section without the others doesn’t tell you the story)
This section tells about how I was used in a video and how many times.
There was much more than just feeling haunted and him using a film clip of me over and over after many years without my permission. There were phone calls from his mgr, a fax, a flyer announcing the Yes album, saying my name in videos and especially songs that tell of our times together, but they weren’t what they seemed. It all cause me distress, depression and alienation because it wouldn’t stop and no one would tell me anything. I was being stalked.. It was stalking and abuse by proxy, when he recruited his musician friends in other bands to help him do even more to me. I couldn’t believe someone could be so cruel to lie about love. I was lost until Pink Floyd came along with The Division Bell, it was the communication I needed and it was the truth about what had been going on. I was saved by the Bell.
(Stalking in Wikipedia). According to Lamber Royakkers:
Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).
I was never asked to be in the movie with Carl Palmer, drummer of Emerson, Lake & Palmer. I met him in 1971 and saw him several times through ’73 and thought I was a bit more than a friend. In ’72 after a concert at Cobo Arena in Detroit and on the way to Mario’s Restaurant downtown, I did overhear someone in the limo say “We’re gonna be in a movie”.
For over 44 years a short movie clip of myself, seated next to Carl Palmer of ELP in a restaurant, has been used in various other videos and broadcasts. The original film that the clip was taken from is “The Old Grey Whistle Test: ELP (first shown in the U.K. on 12/26/73) and it is also known as the ELP Manticore/BBC Film.
The other videos and broadcasts that the film clip was used in are: The ELP 1993 “Welcome Back” VHS, 2001 “Welcome Back” DVD, 2003 ELP Works Orchestral Tour which includes the entire Manticore film and from January 2012 through 2017 in “How the Brits Rocked America” Go West episode 2 on BBC Four. And maybe in more films that I have no knowledge of.
I thought the movie was just for the band. I was no one important and didn’t think they’d want me in it. The table at the restaurant was all decorated with red flowers, white lit candles on white tablecloths. I thought it was a bit much for a bunch of guys, like the band, managers and assistants.
My girlfriend and I were the only women there. When we first sat down, I saw a guy with a movie camera, but didn’t think they’d want me in it, so I turned away. I didn’t want anyone getting the wrong impression of who I was. Later, I didn’t know they started filming again while Carl and I were eating. Then Carl took my attention away by turning to me to tell me to get the salad dressing he got. Then I said “yeah” to the waiter. .
At the dinner I told him that I was taking drums lessons and that I really enjoyed playing. I was inspired watching him play. He didn’t seem to care about that. The only time he turned to even look at me was when the movie camera was on. I didn’t know that I was in a film until 20 years later, when I was shocked to see myself in the bootleg VHS of the ELP Manticore film. it was an obvious set up to use me as something I wasn’t. After the restaurant, he barely spoke to me and then my girlfriend and I went home. She was sitting to my right and didn’t get in the video. The whole film op seemed strangely planned and orchestrated.
In 1992 I watched a bootleg video of the ELP Manticore film. That’s the first time I saw myself in it. Then in 1993 the restaurant clip from it was shown in a brand new VHS called “Welcome Back”. It’s a documentary of the band’s entire career up to that point. I am the only woman shown in it as being with Carl. Why was he giving fans the false impression that I was somebody special? I had no idea then, but it made me think he cared for me after 20 years. Why wouldn’t I think that, it seemed so special.
In 2012, I was watching a YouTube video called “How the Brits Rocked America”. All the early British bands were in it from the Beatles on. I was shocked to see myself again in that old ELP movie clip from the Manticore film of 1973. It was really scary considering that I had written letters and even called the record company so many times leaving messages that I not be used anymore. And the fact that Carl refused to talk to me in person or by mail, made it even more upsetting. I feel I was being used for the film.
That documentary showed on BBC Four for 5 years ending in January of 2017. But who knows where it’ll show up again. I have no control over where I will end up next.
In 2017 I saw the YouTube again and I wrote to the BBC and asked them to take it down and they did.
The use of me in the film so many times, was so disturbing because again I asked that I not be used anymore. I wrote letters and phoned the record company many times, but I was ignored. There were many other things that happened in 1992 – 93 that were irksome and were very haunting. I talk more about that in the “Dangerous, Irresistible” section. I was trying to figure out what he wanted from me. He made me think he cared about me all those years, but with the communication of the Division Bell lyrics, I learned that the love songs from his bands were lies to make me breakdown because I know too much that could hurt a career. I tried talking to him in person, like I did years ago, but he wouldn’t talk to me at a concert in Detroit in 93 even though he knew I was there just on the other side of a door. It was a sad moment. After all those years, I was never a welcome back friend again, even though I was used in the newer video called Welcome Back. But I knew the moment had arrived for killing the past and coming back to life” when I heard the song “Coming Back to Life” by Pink Floyd in 1994.
I met him in 1971 and things were ok, no huge romance, but I cared a lot.
I felt like a friend mostly and he seemed to like me and kissed me every so often. I saw him at all the ELP concerts in Detroit, some in Cleveland and the Chicago area. Went with him and the band twice for dinner, and a get together meeting with a record producer. In early December of 73 before the airing of the Manticore film on the Old Grey Whistle Test in the UK and 3 years later, we finally had what turned out to be a brief sexual interaction. And I fell asleep after it.
I left in the morning and he asked if I was coming back that night for the second concert. I said “I guess so”. I was thinking “what for, this isn’t the romantic thing I thought it would be at all”. I was disappointed and I think he sensed it.
That night we all had dinner at Detroit’s Carl’s Chop House..people were laughing beforehand saying “were going to Carl’s for dinner”. I remember there was a lot of wine going around, and I didn’t pay attention to how much I was drinking. I figured I didn’t have to drive home afterwards and I’d stay overnight again.
So after dinner back at the hotel…things got weird. This part tells why I left and never wanted to come back again.
We went into his friend’s room and he handed me a Brain Salad Surgery tour t shirt and guided me to the bathroom and told me to put it on. This was totally bizarre of him and nothing ever happened like this before, it was sad and I felt so bad. I didn’t do it and I went back out into the room where a woman was in bed wearing a tour t shirt. I was a bit high from the wine, so I just sat on the floor.
He came over and took off my top and bra and put the t shirt on me. I still trusted him though and I was still dizzy from the wine. Then he got into bed with the other woman and told me to come over there. I wouldn’t at first, but all 3 of them kept telling me it was ok and not to worry.
So I went over and sat on the edge of the bed and he grabbed my arm. And then immediately his male friend had a camera in my face and was ready to take a picture. I got away and started crying. It was awful.
In the song Affairs of the Heart, this is how they describe
“I fell just like a falling star
A victim of this coup d’etat
I could not see behind this masquerade”
The rock star wasn’t the victim of that take over, I was. It was a sudden change of plans to force me into a photo op with me and another woman in bed with him. If the photo had been taken it most likely would have been in the Manticore film that was shown later that month. He wanted me to be shown as a common groupie, so that if I said anything about the night before, people wouldn’t believe me if I talked about him. Before I ran out of there I said “You’re perverted” I meant that taking pictures like that was perverted, nothing more. But he thought I meant something else.
And so I took a lot of secrets with me when I left that night.
That’s why he lied, hurt and haunted me years later. I knew too much.
Read the chapter below for even more horrid haunting and stalking like behavior.